Caring for Your Marriage or Partnership When Your Teen Is Struggling

When a teen is struggling, the parents' relationship almost always feels it, and the most protective thing couples can do is treat each other as teammates facing a hard season together rather than as opponents in an argument about who is handling it wrong. Most couples in this situation love each other and their teen, and the strain comes from fear, exhaustion, and hard decisions made quickly by two people who see things a little differently.

Nothing here is about blame. When one person in a family struggles, everyone is affected and everyone's responses become part of the pattern, as our guide on how one person's struggle moves through the whole family explains, which also means every person's wellbeing matters, including yours and your partner's.

Why does a struggling teen put so much strain on a marriage?

Mental health struggles in adolescence strain a marriage because both parents are carrying fear, guilt, and a heavy sense of responsibility at the same time, with less time, sleep, and patience than usual. A 2024 systematic review in BMJ Mental Health pooled 32 studies of parents of children and young people with mental health difficulties and found average scores in the clinical range for anxiety, parenting stress, and general stress (Martin et al., 2024). The authors also noted that some parents hide their own need for support.

When two people are that stressed, the relationship is usually the first thing put on hold, and conversations shrink to appointments, school emails, and whatever went wrong today. A 2017 study in Frontiers in Psychology of 256 families of younger children (ages 6 to 12) with oppositional defiant disorder found that marital quality and parenting stress were linked to each other, and that marital quality predicted children's depressive symptoms through parenting stress (Lin et al., 2017). The children studied were younger than teens, but the authors' observation that stressed parents tend to complain and quarrel with each other will sound familiar to many parents.

If you recognize your relationship here, you're in good company, and our page on why parents of struggling teens are not alone and our Parents & Families guide cover how common this strain is.

What are the most common strains between parents?

The most common strains between parents of a struggling teen are disagreeing about how serious things are, splitting into "enforcer" and "soft one" roles, losing all time alone, and quietly blaming each other. Each one gets easier once a couple can name it out loud, and the table below compares what each can look like and one thing to try.

Disagreeing about how serious it is, or what to do

Disagreement about seriousness often means each parent is seeing a different side of the teen, or guarding against a different fear. One parent may hear the crying at midnight while the other sees a teen who seems fine at dinner, and both pictures are real. You don't have to agree on what's wrong to agree on a next step, and asking your teen's pediatrician or a therapist for an evaluation together puts the question with someone trained to answer it. Our guide to what level of care your teen needs gives you both a shared starting point.

One parent as the enforcer, the other as the soft one

The "enforcer" and "soft one" split usually starts as a reasonable division of labor and slowly turns into two lonely jobs. The enforcer can feel like the only adult holding the line, while the soft one can feel like the only person who sees how much the teen is hurting, and teens tend to notice the split quickly. Parents in this pattern sometimes swing toward over-giving to make up for the conflict, which our guide on when parents overcompensate for a struggling teen covers.

Blame between partners

Blame between partners is usually guilt pointed outward, and it tends to grow when each parent privately wonders whether this is their fault. Our article on guilt, blame, and what parents need to hear is a good one to read together, since teen mental health struggles grow from many factors working together.

How can parents get on the same page?

Parents get on the same page by agreeing on a small number of decisions and a shared way to talk, not by resolving every difference in how they parent. Most couples will always parent a little differently, and adolescents can handle two styles as long as the big rules hold.

A few habits make this easier:

• Hold a short weekly check-in, away from your teen, about what's working and what's coming up.
• Agree on the two or three decisions you'll always make together, such as phones at night, safety rules, or treatment choices.
• Use a pause phrase, like "Let me talk it over first," when your teen wants an answer you haven't discussed.
• Ask your partner how they're doing, separate from how the teen is doing.

Your own anxiety will shape these conversations, so it can help to read how a parent's anxiety moves through the family, especially if one of you worries and the other minimizes.

How do you protect time together when everything is about your teen?

Protecting time together means setting aside a small, regular amount of time that belongs to your relationship, even when it feels selfish or impossible. A 20-minute walk after dinner or one evening out a month where you don't talk about your teen for the first hour is enough to remind you that you're partners and not only co-managers of a crisis.

Steadiness between parents tends to reach the whole household, since siblings often read the mood between parents closely, and our guide on supporting siblings who feel overlooked covers how to keep them from getting lost in the strain.

What about co-parenting across two households?

Co-parenting across two households works best when both homes share a few core rules and parents keep communication about the teen calm, brief, and focused on the teen. A 2016 systematic review in Jornal de Pediatria of 11 studies of divorced parents found that conflict between co-parents was associated with behavioral problems and with symptoms of anxiety and depression in children, while co-parental support, cooperation, and agreement were associated with better overall mental health (Lamela & Figueiredo, 2016). The studies were published between 2000 and 2014.

In practice, that can mean a shared notes document for appointments, one agreed approach to safety rules in both homes, and keeping disagreements between the adults rather than passing messages through your teen.

When does couples therapy help, and when should you get help now?

Couples therapy helps when the same argument keeps repeating, when one partner feels alone in the crisis, or when resentment is building faster than you can talk it through. A couples or family therapist can help you see the pattern you're both caught in and practice calmer ways to decide things together. Sometimes one partner needs individual support first, and our guide on when to get your own therapist covers how to tell.

This guide can help you notice patterns in your relationship, but we're not clinicians, and a licensed therapist who meets you both can give you guidance that fits your family.

Some situations call for help right away. If you feel unsafe with your partner, or if arguments have become threatening or physical, call 911 if you are in immediate danger, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free, confidential support 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or by texting START to 88788. If your teen talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to be alive, call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), or call 911 if they are in immediate danger, and our page on crisis options for parents covers what happens when you call.

This article shares practical guidance for parents and is not medical advice. We're not clinicians or doctors. If your teen is struggling, contact a licensed mental health professional or your teen's doctor, and if you have a serious concern about their safety, call 911 or call or text 988. Editorial standards