Supporting Siblings Who Feel Overlooked When a Teen Is Struggling

Supporting siblings of a struggling teen starts with noticing that they are struggling too, often quietly and on purpose. When one child is in crisis, brothers and sisters tend to see how worried and tired their parents are, and many of them decide, without saying so, that the most helpful thing they can do is need nothing, so the child who seems fine is sometimes the one carrying the most on their own.

You can't split your attention evenly during a hard season, and no one expects you to, since what siblings need is smaller than that: the truth at a level they can handle, a little time that belongs only to them, and a parent who checks in often enough to notice when they're not okay.

How does a struggling teen affect brothers and sisters?

An adolescent's mental health crisis affects every child in the house, because it changes the mood at home, the family's routines, and how much of their parents' attention is left over. Siblings may hear arguments through the wall, lose weekends to appointments, or see an ambulance at the house, often with no one to talk to about it.

A 2023 systematic review and meta-analysis in the Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, which pooled 15 studies covering 2,304 siblings, found that people with a brother or sister with a mental illness experienced significantly greater depressive and anxiety symptoms than people without one, and concluded that siblings "would likely benefit from support" (Jayasinghe et al., 2023). The review included siblings of all ages, not only teens.

A sibling can love their brother, be scared for him, and resent how much space his problems take up, all in the same week. An older page from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), written about siblings of children with chronic health conditions, lists guilt, worry, and jealousy among the common feelings and notes that "siblings may feel invisible unless they demand attention" (AAP, HealthyChildren.org).

What are the signs a sibling is quietly struggling?

A sibling who is quietly struggling often looks either unusually easy or newly difficult, and both can be signs that they need more from you. Some children cope by becoming the "good one" who never causes trouble, while others start acting out because negative attention is the only kind they can reliably get. Signs worth noticing include:

• Becoming noticeably more helpful, quiet, or self-sufficient, and never asking for anything.
• New trouble sleeping, stomachaches, or headaches without a clear medical cause.
• Grades slipping, or the opposite, a sudden push for perfect grades that seems driven by worry.
• Irritability, picking fights, or getting in trouble at school when that wasn't true before.
• Copying some of their sibling's struggles, such as skipping meals, avoiding school, or withdrawing from friends.
• Saying things like "I don't want to bother you" or "You have enough going on."

A son who used to talk your ear off at dinner and now answers in single words, or a younger daughter who has started asking whether she'll "get sick too," is giving you a signal worth following up on. Almost every sibling is affected in some way, so what matters most is whether the effect is fading or building over time. Our guides to signs of depression in teens and telling normal stress from anxiety apply to siblings too.

What should you tell siblings about what's going on?

Siblings should hear the truth in words that fit their age, because silence doesn't protect them and usually leaves them more frightened. Children notice far more than parents think, and when they're told nothing, they fill in the blanks with ideas that are often worse than reality, including that something is their fault. The AAP advises that siblings "need to have honest information about the condition and to have their questions listened to and answered" (AAP, HealthyChildren.org).

Honesty doesn't mean every detail, since your struggling teen deserves privacy too. The table below gives a rough sense of what tends to work at different ages.

Ages are approximate, and a simple opening works for most of them: "You've probably noticed things have been hard with your sister. I want to tell you what's going on, and you can ask me anything."

Should siblings be asked to keep it a secret?

Siblings should be allowed to protect their sibling's privacy without being forced to carry a secret alone. There is a real difference between "this is your brother's private business, so let's not post about it or tell the whole team" and "don't tell anyone, ever." A 2023 qualitative study in PLoS One, in which 21 young adults described growing up with a sibling with depression, found that participants had to repress their own feelings because of the central place of their sibling's illness, recalled parents telling them not to tell anyone, and felt their parents were no longer available for them (Levkovich & Labes, 2023).

A middle path tends to work: agree together on what's private, then name two or three safe people your other child can talk to openly, such as a grandparent, a school counselor, a coach, or their own therapist. Siblings also shouldn't be asked to watch or report on their brother or sister, since that puts them between loyalty and worry, and it's an adult job.

How do you make one-on-one time work in the middle of a crisis?

One-on-one time works best when it's short, predictable, and protected, rather than long and occasional. A sibling who knows that Tuesday night is a drive to get tacos with Dad, or that Saturday morning is a walk with Mom, has something reliable to hold onto even when the rest of the week gets taken over by appointments and phone calls. The AAP suggests that "spending some time with each child individually may help" (AAP, HealthyChildren.org).

Keep the time about them rather than updates on their sibling, let them choose the activity when you can, and put your phone away. When something urgent wipes out the plan, say so and reschedule, because a missed date with an apology and a new date tells a child something very different from a date that quietly disappears. Two parents can trade off, and a single parent can lean on a grandparent or close family friend to give a sibling regular time that's only theirs.

What do you say when a sibling is angry or jealous?

When a sibling is angry or jealous, the most useful first response is to agree that it's hard rather than defend the situation. A sentence like "You're right, a lot of things have been about your brother lately, and that isn't fair to you" lowers the temperature far more than an explanation of why his needs come first right now, even though that explanation may be true.

Siblings need permission to have negative feelings about their brother or sister, and you can hold a firm line on taunting or sharing his private struggles at school while still making room for the feelings underneath. Many parents feel guilty reading this, because they know a sibling has been getting less of them, and our article on guilt, blame, and what parents need to hear speaks to that directly.

When does a sibling need support of their own?

A sibling needs support of their own when changes in their mood, sleep, schoolwork, or friendships have lasted more than a few weeks or are getting worse, and you don't need to wait for a crisis to arrange it. This guide can help you notice patterns, but only a licensed mental health professional or your child's doctor can evaluate how a sibling is doing.

Keep watching and keep talking if a sibling is sad, irritable, or clingy for a short stretch after a hard event at home, such as a hospital stay or a big argument, and they bounce back within a week or two.

Call their pediatrician or a therapist if changes last longer than a few weeks, if their grades or friendships are slipping, if they've started copying some of their sibling's struggles, or if they tell you they're worried about themselves. Some treatment programs offer family sessions or sibling groups, and a sibling can also have their own therapist. Our guide to levels of care explains the kinds of support available.

Get help immediately if a sibling talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to be alive. Call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), or call 911 if your teen or any child in your home is in immediate danger. Our page on crisis options for parents explains what happens when you call.

Siblings also watch how you're coping, so our guide on when to get your own therapist is worth a look, and more guides are collected on our Parents & Families hub.

This article shares practical guidance for parents and is not medical advice. We're not clinicians or doctors. If your teen is struggling, contact a licensed mental health professional or your teen's doctor, and if you have a serious concern about their safety, call 911 or call or text 988. Editorial standards